the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
