ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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