all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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