I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Pooping to opera.
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