I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
