dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
