2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Floor bacon is actually really good
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
