Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just tell him i said nine months
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
