she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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