He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
