i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
