I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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