Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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