he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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