I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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