Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
