apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
