my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
