We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
