Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
