You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize