I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
