i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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