Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
