The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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