I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
