take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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