I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize