I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
