In the future we'll all be gay
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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