Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm too high and old for this...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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