and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
