Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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