I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
