someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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