I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
