so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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