Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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