i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
