Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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