Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
