i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
