I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
