just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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