I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
