she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
