my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
