she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
