then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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