There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
