eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
