I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
