shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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