his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
