Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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