I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
