After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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