he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
