I cockslap morals
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
