she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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