Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
