My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
