Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
