She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
