nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
