I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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