Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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