I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
