dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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