I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
