Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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