Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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