it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I still have a little drunk in my system
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
