Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
