can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
one might say we're banned from that church
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
