You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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