He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
