I just pynch a tree in the face
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize